by Sean Bradley, ND, LAc

I had a conversation with a friend the other day that kept telling me that I was lucky that I had Hapkido. I told her that whether I was teaching Hapkido or delivering pizza, I would still be happy. This was not an acceptable reply, and the conversation quickly shifted to another topic. In my friends view, Hapkido made me happy because the joy I experience emotionally through Hapkido is obvious. The root of my happiness does not lie there though. It is simply something that I do. Do I need to check in, and make sure that this, in addition to other external experiences, do not become crutches that I rely on and depend on for how I feel? Of course. Anything that comes into my life, or is a part of my life currently may bring any of the emotions; joy, sadness, anger, worry or fear, but those emotions should never influence my current state of happiness. My happiness isn’t something that comes and goes with my activities or status of my life. My happiness is here and now with within me, at this moment, all the time. Happiness is not something we find; it is a state of being.

Happiness is often talked about as something elusive or something that we are trying to attain. A secret thing that is hidden somewhere in the world. Whether we find it with a new job, a beautiful house, our dream relationship, a delicious meal, or under a rock, this is not true happiness. These are experiences of joy on an emotional level that make us feel “good.” Now for the sake of comparison and ease, I will use joy to describe the emotion and happiness to describe a state. Granted, these are often used interchangeably, but for now, this distinction will have to do.

The so-called happiness that people experience from things or experiences is fleeting and is simply the emotion or feeling of joy. It is the smile that comes across our face when we are with friends, watch a funny movie or taste that ice cream you’ve been craving on the hot sunny day. It is the sigh of relief that pulls us out of our normal state and elevates us for a moment of joy.

In Chinese medicine the emotions are associated with certain elements or organs, and are often viewed as pathological. Emotions are normal though, but the key is our addiction to, our denial of, and our indifference to our emotions that leads to pathology. Joy is the only emotion in Chinese medicine that is often viewed in a positive light. The others, fear, worry, sadness, and anger, all have negative associations, and their road to pathology is rather clear.

Joy on the other hand, is usually seen as something positive. Extreme states of joy as seen in dementia and mania psychological states are examples of joy in a pathological state, but it is often much more simple than that. Joy becomes an addiction for many people as a substitute for happiness. It becomes a drug that gives a short high, and predictable crash. It becomes something sought after, fought over, and even killed for. People will walk all over another if at the end of the road, they feel “happy.” Joy passes, and when it does, the crash will lead you to the place to were before, only now with a memory of how much better things were when you were experiencing what brought you to that elevated emotional experience. Then, the longing hits. The desire to get back that feeling. The search for “finding” something to make you happy. The search for stimulation. The addiction cycle continues.

Joy is the emotion associated with fire and the heart in Chinese Medicine. Physical symptoms include heart palpitations, insomnia, sweating, dream-disturbed sleep, and eventually mania, delirum, and death. Many of the symptoms are the same as for a drug addiction. It is not that a person with “heart fire” is going to have a lot of joy, but it is likely that they are addicted to joy as an emotion that they crave at greater and greater levels. Whether it is extreme sports, dramatic relationships, spicy food, loads of caffeine, or drug use, the stimulation keeps growing as the fire continues to blaze.

It is only when one realizes that the joy they experience at these brief moments is fleeting and simply an altered state that they will be able to address this and have the opportunity to experience true happiness. Happiness does not reside in the future or past, it is here and now for all of us to live in all the time. You must first stop chasing the future and the past before you will ever aware of the happiness that exists.

The most dangerous sought after joy is that which supposedly lies in security, power, and relationships. Finding happiness in these areas is no different than the joy that comes from opening a present. The danger in these lies in the fact that they happen on a much larger scale, permeate our society and culture, and we often turn a blind eye to the obvious problems that have come from these for centuries.

What does that mean exactly? If I lock my doors at night, I am safe. If I have enough money, I don’t have to worry about anything. If I buy a gun, no one can hurt me. If I have a house, I am protected. If I am in a relationship, I will never be alone, and will be financially secure. If I have a lot of friends, they can help me.

All of these are based on security of fear of the future or protect us from our past experiences. People surround themselves with layer upon layer of protection that offers a false sense of security, and makes it more difficult to experience the world for what it is. We tend to not experience the world, we tend to escape from the world. At the first sign of discomfort we attempt to escape. Turn on the AC, the heat or the fan to control the temperature. Close the windows and the doors to block the breeze. Call a friend or buy a pet when you feel lonely.

These are false senses of security since just because we block them out, doesn’t mean they cease to exist. They ma not be directly influencing you because you have chosen to ignore them and by putting up your walls, you experience joy. The satisfaction that comes with controlling your environment and creating your own “safe and secure” space. It doesn’t last though. Your walls not only keep things out, but they also keep you in. Only by removing your walls, opening yourself to the environment, and becoming aware of the present moment can you find lasting happiness.

On an extreme example, wars are fought over the perceived happiness that will come with abundance of resources. This is very similar to the need for security in the sense that it is the drive for more and more that creates this buffer around us that leads to joy from time to time.

More money, more women, more land, more houses, more cars, more employees, more power. It is the desire for more power to grasp things that we believe will make us happy. Having more money to buy things may bring moments of joy, but how long does it last? Haven’t you seen the sports stars or celebrities who have these huge mansions and then go broke seemingly overnight. The huge influx of wealth is squandered as more and more things are needed to maintain the lifestyle of the “high life.” It isn’t real poverty, it isn’t real crisis, but the money and power that was supposed to lead to happiness in reality only lead to a need for more money and power.

The more you have, the more you have to lose. Non-attachment to things or power will actually lead to happiness rather than chasing and striving for something that seems in the distance. Happiness does not come from gaining money or power, it is always here, just waiting for you to enjoy it.

Happiness does not come from another person. Whether you are single or in a relationship should not affect your happiness. It should exist regardless of whether or not you have a partner. Most people don’t believe this though. They are constantly striving to meet that person that will “make them happy.” This is simply putting the responsibility on someone else. It is making someone else responsible for the addiction to simple joys and the lack of happiness in your own heart. A relationship cannot make you happy. A relationship is simply another thing that we chase, idealize, and pursue in the blind hope that with it we will be happy.

That isn’t happiness. Relationships usually bring up the joy discussed before about security or the joy of feeling that someone needs you or wants you. A lot of people out there have to be in a relationship. They go from one to another seeking the joy that will make them feel good. Whether it is healthy or not, they stay in it because they are happy…some of the time. They feel that they need that other person to be happy; the gifts, the conversation, the affection, the sex, all things that bring joy for the time they take place, but eventually fade. It is mostly emptiness that is filled from time to time.

Relationships can certainly bring joy, but also all of the other emotions. It is important that the joy does not become an addiction, and also that it isn’t mistaken for happiness. Relationships should be nourishing and help you grow in multiple levels, but they should never be the perceived root of happiness. This leads to dependency, and creates another layer of looking to the future and past. It is very difficult to be in a relationship and maintain true awareness in the present. Usually people invest a lot in relationships and it is hard for them to give up on this when the supposed fruit of their investment is future happiness. Relationships that look to one another for happiness will never last.

Relationships are often an attempt to escape from loneliness. Many people find themselves unhappy when they are lonely and believe that their being alone is the cause of their unhappiness. All relationships, whether friends, lovers, family, or children, come and go. There will be times of loneliness even in the midst of relationships or a room filled with a hundred people. Nature will run its course, and no matter how hard we try to run from loneliness and past experiences, they eventually catch up to us. It is only when we realize that happiness is all around us all the time that we can know that loneliness is merely another illusion. If we open our eyes and hearts with awareness we open ourselves to the connection we have to everything, and loneliness fades away and true happiness remains.

Happiness is being present in each and every moment, living your life, and being truly alive. Open and connected to the world all around us. Every step, every heartbeat, every breath, every sound, every taste, is new and unique every moment. It may be familiar, but it is always new in that moment. Enjoy it, experience it, because no matter how hard you try, it will never come again. It is the realization that the past is gone, and the future has yet to come, and the moment now is a “once in a lifetime moment.” It is not about trying to hold on to that moment, or even let go of it, but just to live in it and let yourself experience it.

Happiness is living with the child-like mind that everything is new and exciting. Does that mean that there will not be things that make you sad, worry, afraid, and angry? Of course not. These, as mentioned before, are emotions that we will all experience. But we don’t need to hold on to them or anticipate them. When they come, they come, when they pass, they pass. Our happiness is up to us. It is within us all the time, often so buried in fear and worry that we rarely experience it. Let go of the fear that prevents you from living here and now, and experience the happiness that exists. It is all around for all of us and we only need to open ourselves to be aware of it.

In the famous words of Bobby McFerrin – “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”